


Spotted: Reynholm Industries

by lc2l



Category: IT Crowd
Genre: British Comedy, Epistolary, Gen, Misunderstandings, Social Networking, everyone thinks they are dating, not dating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-19
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-03-02 06:19:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2802614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lc2l/pseuds/lc2l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spotted! Two men from Reynholm Industries IT department out for a quickie in a very extended lunch hour. Who knew the basement was so sordid? Why do they keep trying to deny that there's anything going on? Is all of this a reaction to the tragic death of their manager, Jen Barber?</p><p>Read on to find out more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spotted: Reynholm Industries

**Author's Note:**

  * For [furloughday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/furloughday/gifts).



> The aftermath of 'Are We Not Men?' but a somewhat delayed reaction so that episodes from later in the chronology could be referenced. Features many misunderstandings, accusations and accidental abuse of The Internet.  
> Thanks to CK for the beta.
> 
> Merry Yuletide!
> 
> (This fic does not feature any character death, but does reference events from an IT Crowd episode where a character was believed to be dead)

**Friendface**  
 **Spotted: Reynholm Industries**

**Joe Hedlund**  
Going through all the photos on my camera from my dog walk a few months back and what should I notice in the corner of the shot? Between lines of police cars there pressed against a dockyard wall is our very own IT department out for a quickie in a very extended lunch hour. I think we all knew that the IT department was being distracted by something, but where level 4 were convinced it was a street countdown ring and the level 7 girls said porn, I don't think anyone expected this.

 **67 likes Comments**  
Dan Stone: This is appalling! I waited three hours for them to come and fix my computer, every time I called it was all 'have you tried turning it off and on again'

Emma Jones: They asked me if it was plugged in! The nerve! How was I supposed to know the three-pronged thingy should be pushed into the wall holey thing?

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: WHAT?!?

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: WHAT IS THIS WEBSITE? WHY DOES IT KNOW THINGS ABOUT MY COMPANY?

Fiona Mitchel: It's written by staff, Mr Reynholm. Also your three o'clock meeting has been waiting outside for almost an hour.

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: WHAT IS THIS NEWS? EMPLOYEES ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO DO THE SEX ON COMPANY TIME IF I AM INCLUDED, COMPANY POLICY.

Dan Stone: Is that actually company policy?

Kimberly Evans: How did you think the Friday-afternoon-orgy sessions started?

Louise Jones: Surely if you were walking your dog, it couldn't have been company time...

Joe Hedlund: I have it on good authority that the irish one left work at lunchtime and didn't come back. I had to wait in security for two hours after my lunch break because the computers wouldn't work and they told me.

Larry King: This kind of flagrant disregard for innocent dog walking voyeurs is appalling. Honestly, who is in charge of our IT department?

Maisy Smith: Jen Barber, but she died in a tragic accident. Perhaps they are only acting up out of grief. People find solace in the strangest things.

Jen Barber: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT DEAD?

Phillip Green: All this drama reminds me of a fantastic musical I saw once. Check it out at http://www.gay-agaymusical.co.uk/gay

————

 **From:** Imdaboss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Mailinglist:Reynholmstaff  
 **Subject:** FIRED  
Everyone getting laid on company time who is not either ME or SLEEPING WITH ME is FIRED.

 **From:** Imdaboss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Mailinglist:Reynholmstaff  
 **Subject:** REGARDING PREVIOUS FIRINGS  
I HAVE JUST SEEN THAT THE REFERENCED EVENT WAS OUTSIDE OF COMPANY HOURS. ANYONE GETTING LAID OUTSIDE OF COMPANY TIME WHO IS NOT ME OR SLEEPING WITH ME IS ALSO FIRED.

 **From:** Imdaboss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Mailinglist:Reynholmstaff  
 **Subject:** BUTTSEX  
Anyone sleeping with someone of their own gender IN WHAT IS NOT A CONFUSED WEEK OF DEEP ALL POWERFUL LOVE BROUGHT ON BY THEIR CALLOUS OMISSION OF THE DETAILS OF THEIR LESS THAN FEMININE PAST is FIRED.

 **From:** Imdaboss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Mailinglist:Reynholmstaff  
 **Subject:** YOU ARE ALL STANDING IN THE WAY OF LOVE  
DOES ANYONE SLEEPING WITH THEIR OWN GENDER KNOW WHERE FORMALLY-A-MAN-BIG-TITS-APRIL MIGHT BE? I DON'T HAVE HER SURNAME, THAT IS ALL THAT WAS SAVED IN MY PHONE.  
ANYONE WITH INFORMATION THEY ARE NOT TELLING ME IS FIRED.

 **From:** Imdaboss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Mailinglist:Reynholmstaff  
 **Subject:** ERROR  
WHOEVER IS SENDING ALL OF THESE MESSAGES SAYING 'ERROR YOUR EMAIL DID NOT SEND' IS FIRED.

———

From: Douglas  
Why do my emails come back with the word 'error' all over them?  
From: Douglas  
Also I need you to turn my computer on, the voice activation isn't working again.

From: Fiona (sexy PA)  
All company emails have to go through the laywers ever since the Incident.  
From: Fiona (Sexy PA)  
And your computer doesn't have voice activation.

From: Douglas  
But IT said they'd installed it in my office.  
From: Douglas  
UNLESS THEY WERE LYING  
From: Douglas  
HOW DO I TELL IF GAY SEX HAS HAPPENED IN MY OFFICE.

From: Fiona (Sexy PA)  
We could get a team in to swab the place.  
From: Fiona (Sexy PA)  
But I'm fairly sure the company can't afford the amount of lawsuits it will cause.

———

 **From:** lawyers@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To:** Mailinglist:ReynholmStaff  
 **Subject:** A gentle reminder.

Dear staff,  
Mr Reynholm would just like to remind all employees that he will not be discriminating against anyone on any grounds that it is illegal to discriminate upon.

Legal discrimination will continue as normal.

Regards,  
Reynholm Industries Legal Team  
 _Holders of the record for most industrial class action lawsuit settlements._  
 _Please. Someone. Hire us. Get us out of here._

——-

 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** SPOTTED

Have you seen you're both on the friendface spotted page for reynholm industries?

Jen Barber  
 _Head of IT_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

 **From:** roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

No I have not and I would not waste company time on such frivolous social networking site.  
I suppose I could check just because it's you.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Roy  
IT Department

———-

From: Roy  
WE WERE SEEN.  
YOUR BLOODY HIDING FROM THE COPS BY KISSING SCHEME  
WE'RE ON THE FRONT PAGE OF BLOODY FRIENDFACE

From: Moss  
Ah, but we're not in prison.  
DID YOU WANT TO GO TO PRISON, ROY?

————  
 **From:** roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

WHAT  
NO  
WHAT  
NO  
WHAT

Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Roy  
IT Department

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

As your relationships manager I want you to know that I AM NOT MANAGING THIS RELATIONSHIP.

Jen Barber  
 _Head of IT_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

  
 **From:** roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

Jesus, it's not a relationship!!!

What if we told everyone that we were dead and moved into Richmond's cupboard until everyone who currently works here has gone?

Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Roy  
IT Department

  
 **From:** Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,**  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

Good idea. We just get back in the closet and wait for it all to blow over.

Maurice Moss

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: SPOTTED

NO ONE IS PRETENDING TO BE DEAD.

Jen Barber  
 _Head of IT_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

 

* * *

 

**Spotted: Reynholm Industries**

 

**Harry Themailman:**

  
So I saw the previous post on here and thought 'that's not true about those IT guys, they're great men always up for a bit of natter about the football and so on'. Popped down there to see if they'd seen it and just as I'm entering I see the two of them squashed up tight against each other in this red door frame leading to a particularly tiny cupboard.  
MAKE OF THIS WHAT YOU WILL, COWORKERS. MAKE OF IT WHAT YOU WILL.

 **103 likes Comments**  
Dan Stone: PROOF. Think of this next time you have to take a three hour coffee break because your printer is only printing blank pages and squiggly lines.  
Think of this next time you are turning your computer off and on again in an endless cycle while some idiot drones in your ear about how 'that button only controls the screen you have to press the one on the actual computer'!  
THINK OF THIS the next time your computer is covered in adverts simply because you elected to disable the wall that could set it on fire!  
Take up your staplers, raise up your pens and say it with me. WE WILL NOT BE TREATED LIKE FOOLS. WE WILL NOT WAIT HOURS FOR IT SUPPORT. WE WILL FIGHT FOR OUR RIGHT TO DO COMPUTERING.

Definitely not Douglas Reynholm: I TOTALLY HAD THREE HOTASS BABES IN MY OFFICE EARLIER. DID ANYONE SPOT THAT? WHY AM I NOT FEATURED ON THIS PAGE?

Richmond: CUPBOARD? RED DOOR? THAT CUPBOARD WAS MY GOTHIC MANSION, MY DRACULA'S LAIR. IS NO HOME SACRED?

Maisy Smith: Perhaps that cupboard is where they keep the remains of Jen Barber, may she rest in peace.

Jen Barber: I WAS LITERALLY JUST IN YOUR OFFICE. WE HAD COFFEE. I AM NOT DEAD.

Jen Barber: Also as the IT relationships manager I want it known that I had nothing to do with any of this and I know nothing IT WAS ALL THEM DON'T JUDGE ME.

————  
Call log: 01189998819991197253

Caller 1: [indistinct] how do you even remember that number  
Caller 2: [muffled] it's easy, 0118-999-88199-  
Caller 1: Never mind that now. Hello?  
Operator: Emergency services, how may I help you?  
Caller 1: Yes, we seem to be trapped in a doorway.  
Operator: Trapped?  
Caller 1: In a doorway, yes.  
Caller 2: [muffled] I told him to wait until I'd gone and then he could come, but no we both had to come at once.  
Caller 1: We're at Reynholm Industries, in the basement—  
Operator: Wait, am I speaking to the IT department?  
[pause]  
Caller 1: You... are?  
Operator: I've just got Spotted open, yes I can see it right here. Got yourselves in a bit of a sticky situation from the looks of things.  
Caller 1: From the looks...?  
Operator: I'll send a guy down now. Do you mind if I ask him to get me some autographs? Not for me, you understand. My, uh, wife's a big fan of yours.  
Caller 1: Actually, I don't think we're that stuck. You know. We'll just sort ourselves out.  
Operator: I'm sure you will, sir. But just in case—  
Caller 2: [muffled] I can't breathe, Roy!  
Caller 1: [indistinct] shut _up_ , Moss.

[Caller disconnects]

————

 **From:** Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** TRAITOR

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP MANAGER ARE YOU? WE FINALLY GET FREE OF THAT DOORWAY ONLY TO FIND YOU ABANDONING US ON FRIENDFACE.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEFENDING OUR HONOUR, JEN.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Roy  
IT Department

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: TRAITOR

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jen Barber  
 _Definitely not associated in any way with the IT department_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** and also...

For the last time, no one reads these websites. Just the bored girls on floor 7 and a few staff members looking for a way to fill their coffee break. It's not like anyone outside the company will ever find out about your torrid love affair.

Jen Barber  
 _Definitely not associated in any way with the IT department_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

**————**

**From:** John.1@businesspartner.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Glad to see you worked things out

Hi Roy,

I see you and your 'elf maiden' are back together ;)  
Maybe we could do a Dungeons, dragons and double date session sometime!

Best of luck,  
The Johns and Phil  
 _Back off, I have a bunny bracelet_

  
 **From:** Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,**  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, John.1@businesspartner.com  
 **Subject:** RE: fwd: Glad to see you worked things out

Hello!

Now that you mention it, I have been looking into a sequel. It's called The Demonic Demons of Boglandaria. Perhaps if you come down for another business meeting, we could look into setting up some "entertainment" ;)

Moss  
Master of Dungeons, Lord of Dragons, Queen of Elfkind.

  
 **From:** Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : John.1@businesspartner.com, Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** NO. NO. NO.

No, you don't understand. Moss wasn't my elf maiden, he was just PRETENDING to be the elf maiden to get me through a break up with an ACTUAL maiden.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?  
Roy  
IT Department

  
 **From:** John.1@businesspartner.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: NO. NO. NO.

Of course, Roy. No one's suggesting that elves are REAL. It's all symbolic for the pure love the two of you share.

We're free to come down next week?

Regards,  
The Johns and Phil  
 _Back off, I have a bunny bracelet_

  
 **From:** Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,**  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, John.1@businesspartner.com  
 **Subject:** RE: NO. NO. NO.

Ohhhhh, I see the confusion. You've seen that friendface post and you think that Roy and I are 'doing it on the downlow' so to speak.

I can, of course, assure everyone in your party that the only thing Roy and I do together is IT. All IT all the time down in this basement.

Next week is great. We'll take some time off from doing IT to play with you guys!

Moss  
Gotta love doing IT!

  
 **From:** John.1@businesspartner.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: NO. NO. NO.

Well... I suppose I've always said I'll try anything once! See you then!

Regards,  
The Johns and Phil  
 _Back off, I have a bunny bracelet_

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Roy?

Do you know why Roy just came into my office, slammed his head five times into the wall and is now curled up on the floor muttering 'it's I—T. Not IT, I-T.'

Oh, hey he just said 'information and technology' into his shaking hands. Is THAT what IT stands for?

Jen Barber  
 _Definitely not associated in any way with the IT department_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

 

* * *

 

**Spotted: Reynholm Industries**

**Cynthia Rose**  
Okay, so first off I wasn't going to say anything because I believe what the IT trolls do in the privacy of their basement is none of our business. But since there's so much going around lately, I just wanted to get this off my chest:  
It was a few months ago, I don't know how it would fall in relation to the dog walking incident, but I was giving a tour to some visiting businessmen and we went down to the IT department only to see the afro IT guy from all these pictures on his knees for Reynholm himself!  
Clearly the IT department is a hotbed for this kind of depraved activity!

 **208 likes Comments**  
Emma Jones: Well now we know why none of our business partners ever want to come back, don't we!

Michael Keaton: I don't see why they can't ruddy well do their jobs alongside all this fraternising. I tried to get some IT support last week and they kept telling me I didn't even have a computer! It's complete nonsense, I tell you. I had the letter buttons thingy, the picture box thingy. I even bought a roller ball for the mouse! I can't keep it at home forever, I'm going through far too much cheese! A shareholder expects to be treated better than this!

Dan Stone: ARE NONE OF US SAFE FROM THE IT DEPARTMENT'S DEPRAVITY?

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: I am pretty sure I would remember getting it on with one of my employees. Particularly since that nice gentleman in IT fixed these electric shock pants I'm wearing.

Patricia Blake: Do you remember that you said you'd call me?

Fiona Mitchel: Mr Reynholm should be considered an unreliable witness in all testimonies and does not officially remember any details about anything.

———-

 **From:** Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST ONE

I know we swore we wouldn't look, but HAVE YOU?

No, I'm not. No, we're not. NO. NO. NO.  
Roy  
COMPUTER SUPPORT

  
 **From:** Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** RE: HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST ONE

For some reason every time I click on the page I lose the next five minutes of memory. All I can recall is a vague sense of being in some completely happy place.

Today is going by very quickly, have you noticed that?

Moss

————-  
From: Roy  
Moss has gone to his happy place eight times in the last hour.  
From: Roy  
Every time he opens his eyes, he looks at his computer screen and goes blank again.  
From: Roy  
I think he's being scarred for life.

From: Jen  
What do you want me to do?  
From: Jen  
At least you're not involved in this one. Maybe you're free of it all now.

————-

 **From:** allison.mcrond@elf.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Should have called it!

Hi Roy,

Long time no speak (again, ha ha!). Just saw your new claim to fame. Hope it's not too forward to email—just wanted to say I suppose I understand now why you had such a problem with my make-up. I'm sure the kind of men you date use little to none of it!  
Although—I don't know how often you check the page, but you might want to look again. Seems like your partner might be a little less than faithful.

If you ever need a bit of a pick me up drink, rebound sex, a shoulder to cry on just drop me a line!  
xoxoxxxxxxxx  
Ali

  
 **From:** Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Fwd: Should have called it!

THIS IS YOUR JOB MISS RELATIONSHIP MANAGER.

No, I'm not. No, we're not. NO. NO. NO.  
Roy  
COMPUTER SUPPORT

————-

 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com, Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Defcon something

Which defcon is the bad one? Three? DEFCON 3.

I was at the Monday heads of department meeting and all anyone could talk about was that damn Spotted page and they all kept staring at me. Maisy Smith apparently thinks she can see dead people and Reynholm keeps asking when the orgies are and if he can join in again.

I am done, I am FINISHED. We are going to FIX THIS if I have to relationship manage everyone in the building.

Jen Barber  
 _Definitely not associated in any way with the IT department_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams.—Oprah Winfrey_

  
 **From:** roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** WE ARE AT DEFCON A BILLION

About time you got out of your office and started doing something around here.

No, I'm not. No, we're not. NO. NO. NO.  
Roy  
COMPUTER SUPPORT

  
 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com, Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** I DON'T SEE YOU HELPING

DON'T TEST ME, IRISHMAN. AUNT IRMA IS IN THE BUILDING, THIS BRA ITCHES AND REYNHOLM HAS SEND ME A FRIEND REQUEST ON FRIENDFACE.  
I AM MAKING A LIST OF THINGS TO DO AND THERE'S STILL SPACE TO PUT 'FIRING EVERYONE ELSE IN THE DEPARTMENT' ON THE BOTTOM OF IT.

Jen Barber  
 _HEAD OF FUCKING IT_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The key to happiness is a comfortable bra and plenty of ass to kick—Jen Barber_

_—————_

**From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : Roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** Have you been gone all afternoon?

Roy, you can come back downstairs now. I have put a coat over Moss's screen and he is now on the sofa playing with some kind of box thing, seems safe.

Jen Barber  
 _HEAD OF FUCKING IT_  
 _Employee of the month November 2008_  
 _The key to happiness is a comfortable bra and plenty of ass to kick—Jen Barber_

  
 **From:** roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com,  
 **To** : Maurice.moss@reynholmindustries.com **,** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** I am needed up here

Michael Keaton has an ACTUAL LIVE MOUSE running around a typewriter and keeps asking me why I can't fix his computer.  
I MAY BE A WHILE.

No, I'm not. No, we're not. NO. NO. NO.  
Roy  
COMPUTER SUPPORT ONLY WORKS IF YOU HAVE A COMPUTER.

—————

From: Roy  
Do you think you should get off the sofa?

From: Moss  
I prefer dealing with the internet in this form. The blinking red light cannot traumatise my already delicate mind further.

From: Roy  
Why did you even fix that?

From: Moss  
Jen kept screaming that the elders of the internet were going to kill her if we didn't do something. I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, ROY.

————-

 **From:** Jen.Barber@reynholmindustries.com  
 **To** : roy.Trenneman@reynholmindustries.com, Maurice.Moss@reynholmindustries.com  
 **Subject:** and BREATHE

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN. I HAVE:  
\- Got in touch with Cynthia to explain the situation and had her post a retraction.  
\- Blocked friendface permanently from Moss's computer for when he's prepared to leave the sofa.  
\- Emailed Fiona to have Reynholm officially deny everything.  
\- Promised Dan Stone that we are not part of a conspiracy theory encompassing 9/11, the moon landings and the switch to instant coffee in the canteen.  
\- Had maintenance 'accidentally' lock Reynholm in his office before he can cause any more problems.  
\- Started a #misunderstandingsinIT hashtag on jitter and sympathy is turning steadily in your favour.

Now if we can all go another twenty four hours without doing anything that could be considered less-than-sanitary this will all BLOW OVER.

Jen Barber  
 _Relationships manager, bitches_

———-

From: Roy  
And Allison?

From: Jen  
We're going out for drinks later, she seems really lovely. I offered to bring her some make-up samples.

From: Roy  
Nice to know you're benefiting from our trauma.  
From: Roy  
BTW, Moss dropped three cups of coffee on the floor when people kept springing the Spotted post on him so watch your step. Wouldn't want to slip on that, could skid on it all the way into the sofa.

 

* * *

 

**Spotted: Reynholm Industries**

**Michael Keaton**  
WE NEED CAMERAS IN THE BASEMENT. I JUST WENT DOWN TO FIND SOME MORE CHEESE TO FEED THIS DAMN MOUSE WHILE I WAIT FOR MY COMPUTER TO BE SET UP.  
NOT ONLY WAS ONE OF THEM SPREAD EAGLED ON TOP OF THE OTHER ON THE SOFA, THEY HAD THE INTERNET SANDWICHED BETWEEN THEM.  
HONESTLY, AFTER WHAT THEIR MANAGER DID TO IT LAST TIME, I'M ASTONISHED THAT THE ELDERS OF THE INTERNET LET US HAVE IT BACK.

 **296 likes Comments**  
Roy Trenneman: Yes. Them letting us have it back is the MOST UNLIKELY thing about there being ELDERS OF THE INTERNET.

Emma Jones: So you're here in person now. What have you got to say for yourself? How dare you bring The Internet into all of this?

Maurice Moss: Why did we not just leave it in Big Ben where it was safe.

Roy Trenneman: MOSS YOU ARE NOT HELPING.

Jen Barber: I quit, I am DONE, you're on your own.

Maisy Smith: Jen? Jen is that you? How does a ghost operate a Friendface account?

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: WHO LOCKED ME IN MY OFFICE? WHY AM I NOT DOWN THERE? DID I NOT MAKE THE SEX POLICY PERFECTLY CLEAR.

Fiona Mitchel: Our lawyers would like me to remind all staff members that a) there is no sex policy, b) no one is supposed to be using this website on company time and c) they will work for below minimum wage if someone will just get them out of here.

Kimberly Evans: Pretty sure the lawyers would have to be using this website to know about this. Also, Reynholm is right here in the thread...

Definitely Not Douglas Reynholm: What? WHERE? I DO NOT SEE HIM, THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT DOUGLAS REYNHOLM AND I THINK HE HAS BEEN VERY CLEAR ON THAT.

Michael Keaton: What is all this crap on my desk? Where did my computer go? What's this round wirey thing?

Roy Trenneman: THAT IS WHAT A COMPUTER LOOKS LIKE. THE ROUND THING IS A COMPUTER MOUSE, IT IS DIFFERENT TO A REGULAR MOUSE IN THAT IT CAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ON A COMPUTER.

Larry King: so what was with the #misunderstandingsinIT? Was Reynholm the misunderstanding? IS THE JITTER HASHTAG LYING TO ME?

Michael Keaton: I don't understand. Where does the cheese go?

Cynthia Rose: I just don't see why a computer guy would know how to rewire a pair of electric shock pants. It seems like very a very niche area of study.

Maurice Moss: I had to study all forms of electronic undergarments when developing the abracadabra and I now consider myself quite the expert.

Roy Trenneman: ALSO NOT HELPING.

Jen Barber: Someone tell those lawyers the IT department could probably use them.

Kimberly Evans: I don't see what's so wrong with a bit of sex on company time. I mean, it's not like we don't all do it. You girls should come join us on the seventh floor sometime.

Dan Stone: This is all going TOO FAR. First it was the IT department, then it was the CEO and now The Internet has been tarnished forever with involvement in the scandal. Everyone brace yourselves, I am going to type 'google' into Google. The internet is over, we are DONE.

—————

Internal call log: IT Department

Operator: Hello, computer support department, have you tried turning it off and -  
Caller: Hi, is that IT? It's Daniel Stone from level six. My email's just stopped working and I need -

[Operator disconnected]


End file.
